


It's dark outside

by chocomintcookiedough



Category: Gintama
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Dealing With Trauma, M/M, Rape Aftermath, Slow Burn, mute!hijikata, please read author's note, protective!gintoki
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:27:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26265727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocomintcookiedough/pseuds/chocomintcookiedough
Summary: Sakata Gintoki was freed of his execution. In his escape, he found another stray like him in an abandoned house.
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki
Comments: 34
Kudos: 281





	1. There is no lantern here

**Author's Note:**

> Contains graphic descriptions of rape aftermath. Unsavory themes will follow throughout the story. Please read with caution.

Gintoki walked in no particular direction. He let his exhausted legs carried his body to wherever it was that his subconscious deemed safe. It had been roughly a day or so after he escaped his execution. Perhaps freed would be a more appropriate term. What a ride, but that entire thing had felt like fate looking down upon him with an unreadable smile.

Sakata Gintoki died in his execution. He did. The one that was wandering in this woodland was nothing but his ghost. He died with his sensei—following his sensei. Both of them entrusted the world for this ghost to carry on forward.

So that’s what that smile meant, huh. In the end, he was still denied his death.

He walked and walked until he stumbled across an abandoned shack. Without thinking twice, he entered the dilapidated building seeking shelter. It was nearing Autumn; he really couldn’t afford wandering aimlessly more lest he died for real this time.

Gintoki was accustomed to the scent of corpses, foul stench didn’t bother him anymore because he built up immunity over time against it. But the stench that reeked inside the building was something else that alerted his instinct. The place was dark even during daylight. In the middle of the room he saw a shadow on the floor, no, a figure.

A corpse? Someone died here? Murdered? But the trace of blood in the air that he picked up was rather light.

Gintoki approached the figure and its feature became more and more apparent. A person, laid on their stomach, long hair covering their face and shoulder, bare of any clothing. A woman? There was a slow rise and fall that indicated that they were still very much alive.

“Oi, are you okay?” The person didn’t respond but they twitched and seemed to have notice Gintoki. The silver haired ghost tried to get closer, inspecting the person.

Bruises were all over their body, there were trace of liquid drying on their skin, on the tatami as well. There were cut wounds, shallow but littered everywhere. Ah, rape, wasn’t it? Now Gintoki could put a name to that foul stench.

“Hey, are you o—” The person jolted awake, scrambling away from Gintoki. The transition from a dead body to a wild animal was incredibly quick, but Gintoki noticed the way they struggle to move even in that panic state. The way they’re trembling in pain as they tried to get as far away from the stranger. Noticing what had happened beforehand, Gintoki couldn’t really blame them for that kind of reaction.

Gintoki raised both of his hands to not come out as intimidating. “I’m not going to hurt you, see?” The other’s eyes were still in full blown panic, breaths ragged as well, but still wasn’t saying a thing. Gintoki took that silence with inspecting them more. Now that he could see their chest—oh, male.

The silver haired man stayed in his non-threatening position, letting the other to approach him in his own time. It worked, as the guy slowly calmed down and sagged on the floor. Gintoki took a ginger step closer, when he received no objection, he settled himself an arm-length at the guy, all the while maintaining his surrendering gesture.

“I’m just going to see your wounds, alright?” He went as slow as he could in reaching for the guy to not alert him. Gintoki inwardly grimaced at the other’s condition, he was thin, he could see the skin clinging to his bones. Seemed malnourished. It wasn’t like Gintoki himself in any better condition, he was still living a stray life after all, he knew signs of starvation himself.

Gintoki tested by touching near one of the cut on the guy’s arm. He flinched, hard, jerking away from Gintoki like touching fire. His eyes were unfocused again and Gintoki sighed. Must be fairly recent. “Can you talk?”

He received no answer, but the guy did open his mouth like he wanted to say something, no voice came out, however. The guy clasped his hands over throat and opened his mouth like screaming, yet no distinct voice coming out, only trails of a struggling ‘Ah’ that made Gintoki frown. Did they hurt his vocal cord? Did he screamed so loud that his voice is gone now? He could see panic building up again on those eyes.

“Hey, hey, it’s alright if you can’t, don’t force it.” Gintoki’s hands hovered around the boy. Now that he thought about it, he realized how young the guy looked. Younger than him perhaps, but they both looked similar in age, close.

The boy looked up at him and Gintoki noticed how blue they were, yet dulled, incredibly dulled by trauma. Gintoki sympathized and felt bad for how the boy was shaking. The silver man looked around the place and found a piece of clothing discarded in the corner of the room. He picked it up, a dark blue kimono. “Is this yours?” He looked back at the guy and he was reaching out for Gintoki, for the clothing, all stumbling and it was almost painful to watch, the desperation. Gintoki handed him back the kimono, watching in silent as the guy struggled to put it on. He’d offer a help but judging from previous reaction, probably shouldn’t.

Gintoki decided to scavenge the abandoned shack for anything usable. He noticed some old wardrobes at the corner, there might be something they could use. If he was lucky, maybe he’d find cloths. After searching through several decrepit wooden chests, he found some bowls and rags. There were old kitchen utensils as well. He found a dirty cloth in one of the wardrobes and Gintoki thanked God right away. It seemed whoever that abandoned this place had left the place in haste, didn’t bother with bringing unnecessary loads.

He brought out the cloths and rags out to find a water source to wash them. He remembered no river nearby, but he thought he saw a well before he entered the place. “I’m going to go wash these in a bit, I’ll be back.” Gintoki waved the things in his hand to signal the other. He was just about to carry his feet outside when he saw the boy scrambling towards him. The boy choked a scream when he fell as he was going to stand up. Gintoki hurried back inside to see the boy clutching his ankles.

“Are they—broken?” Now that he got a good look at the boy’s legs, they were swollen and bruising badly. Gintoki’s face hardened at the thoughts of what could possibly produce this. He leaned down and properly inspect the area, the boy was too taken by his pain that he wasn’t trying to get himself away from Gintoki. The silver perm head used this chance to touch his ankles. He didn’t feel any misplaced bones. Fractured, then? Perhaps.

“Hey, hey, listen, I need to go out a bit and gather stuff for you.” The guy looked at him through his haze from pain, he’s not scurrying away like before so Gintoki took it as the guy warming up to him. “You can’t go out right now with your legs like that, stay here, I’ll be back.” Gintoki headed to the entrance and again, the guy persistently reached for him. He could hear choked scream coming from the other. Gintoki frowned. Scared of being left alone? Ah, possibly.

Gintoki sighed, then crouched in front of the boy again. “I’ll carry you over to the porch so you can watch, but I need to touch you for that. You okay with that?” Gintoki searched in those blue orbs and found distress reflected. The boy, surprisingly, tugged at Gintoki’s clothes as his answer. “Alright.” Gintoki gently lifted him off, trying his best to not touch anywhere with tender wounds that he noted from before. The boy was light as a feather in his arms, shaking as well. Gintoki placed him near the steps.

“I’ll be back in a bit. I promise.” Gintoki added a reassuring pat on the boy’s knee then left to search for water and some sticks for that guy’s broken ankles.

That took him roughly fifteen minutes. He circled the area twice and got a good look at the surrounding of the shack. He was right about the well, the pump near it was still working as well so that was a good save. He needed to venture a bit more to see if there were any other dwellings around the forest, he knew there was a river nearby and he could go fish for food later, but another help from human being was needed especially for the injured boy.

Gintoki wrung the decently cleaned rags. He stood there for a moment, digesting his current situation. What was he thinking? Why was he saving this unknown boy who couldn’t walk and talk? Trying to save another soul, was he? Atonement? Repentance? It was just pity, right? He needed the place to stay after all, it just so happened that the abandoned shack came with an injured boy along it. Leaving that guy be would be just to cruel, that would just be the same as killing him—no, killing him might even be more merciful.

Gintoki rubbed his face, sighed again. He returned to the porch because he promised he wouldn’t be long.

“I’m back.” He announced it, figured coming back with a suspicious rustle would scare the boy again. The boy jumped in his seat anyway, but there was no panic following Gintoki’s return. He carried the bowl full of water and the cleaned rags on one hand, the other holding some sticks. That ankle would need a makeshift cast.

Gintoki crouched in front of him and placed the bowl and rag next to they boy. Those blue eyes stared at him, there was an underlaying of fright somewhere there, but there was no mistaking the boldness in front. He hadn’t seen that before. What a curious brat. “Do you want me to clean you or can you clean yourself?” They boy frowned as if not quite understanding it, Gintoki glanced downwards at the other’s lower half and the boy paled. He took the rags and Gintoki understood. “I’ll carry you inside. Bear with it a little.” The boy remained stiff in his arms. He placed him on the cleaner side of the room before fetching the bowl of water. “I leave it to you, I’ll be outside.”

He heard rustling of clothes being removed and the small pitter patter of rag being dipped into water. Gintoki saw from the corner of his eyes, heard it as well, the boy’s choked sob as he cleaned himself of the soil. Gintoki left to look for any herbs around the forest.

He found some patches of wild herbs around the shack, glad that he didn’t have to venture that far. He’d imagine the boy would be panicked yet again if Gintoki didn’t return soon. The boy seemed scared to be left alone. Gintoki couldn’t blame him, after experience something traumatic like that, being alone was just the perfect invitation to another replay for those tormenting events. Though not the same kind, Gintoki understood well the effect of traumas.

He picked some leaves, recalling what’s useful and what’s not in his mind. Gintoki was best known working on his own during the war, even back when he was just a Corpse Eating Demon, survival knowledge was a crucial aspect in how he was still alive now. Something like wild herbs knowledge was a skill he needed to have. He gathered them in his hand and walked back into the shack.

The boy was still in the middle of cleaning, struggling in between his silent sobs. He jerked when he heard Gintoki coming back. The silver haired man tried to show that he wasn’t looking by steering straight for the kitchen area where he found those bowls. Gintoki saw nothing. He chewed and grinded the leaves into a paste. When Gintoki came back to sit next to the boy, he had finally finished with the cleaning. Gintoki set aside the dirtied water and rag and began inspecting the boy’s ankle.

“It’ll be painful but won’t be long, brace yourself.” Gintoki straightened the other’s legs as gently as he could, he still heard those choked screams that were sounding more like a wail now. He smeared some of the paste to the swellings before wrapping it with the cloths he had torn into long strips. He did on the left, then the right. He placed a makeshift cast using the sticks from earlier before wrapping them for the second time.

“I’ll start with your back, alright?” The boy nodded and Gintoki scooted behind him. A hand reached to tuck his jet-black long hair up front, giving Gintoki uncovered access to his back. He applied the salve as gently as he could, all the while taking notes of the other’s injuries up close. There were marks around his neck and wrists, rope marks judging from the pattern. Bruises that were turning into ugly hue on the skin littered across his frame, one big spot was around the other’s hips.There were shallow cuts, small knife, Gintoki guessed. He did the same with the front part, remaining silent in the entire process. He applied the paste on all the injuries, including the bite marks that Gintoki didn’t want to think about. Around the cuts he wrapped it with the cloths. This time he helped with the guy redressing his kimono.

“There you go.” Gintoki leaned back. That should work, he’d need reapply the salve tomorrow so that’s tomorrow’s him’s problem. He relaxed himself and watched the boy struggling with his mouth, not in a distressing way, though. He watched him struggle with his own self some more before he reached out for Gintoki’s hand. Gintoki raised an eyebrow, obliged, then offered his right hand at the other. The guy began tracing something on his palm with his finger and it clicked in Gintoki’s head finally. He felt the guy tracing the words in hiragana.

_‘Thank you’_

“You’re welcome.” Gintoki offered a smile. He watched the other pointed at his own chest and then writing something on his palm again.

_‘Toushirou’_

Oh? His name? Ah, right. “I’m Gintoki.”

Toushirou wrote some more on his palm.

_‘Thank you. Gintoki.’_

“You’re welcome, _Toushirou_.” He couldn’t help the small huffs of laughter that came out with that. It felt so child-like, communicating like this. In that moment, it felt like their predicaments were forgotten. Toushirou kept looking at him with that blue eyes of his. After a while, the raven let go of Gintoki’s hand. They basked in that silence, taking a proper break from reality, it seemed.

Minutes passed with Gintoki’s head not in any particular thoughts. He huffed out and returned to reality. “You hungry? There’s a river nearby, I could go and fish for us.”

Toushirou immediately tugged at Gintoki’s sleeves, those eyes of him seemed to be expressing ‘Take me with you’ crystal clear. Gintoki tilted his head in slight concern. “You can’t walk yet. You should rest here, take some slee—” Toushirou tugged at him again, his brows descended in determination. Expressive, huh.

“Right, right. A stubborn one, aren’t you.” Gintoki sighed. “Let me look for any other useful stuff here and then we’ll go.” Maybe there’s a sewing kit laying around somewhere in the shack, who knows. Gintoki looked around and found nothing. Fine, no string for the fishing rod then. He’d have to just spear down some fish.

“Let’s go.” Lowered himself again, this time carrying Toushirou on his back. They walked outside towards the river stream, looking around for any good spot. Gintoki looked for a rockier area, that way he could lay Toushirou down and have some high grounds to spot the fish. He found one after walking down the river for couple minutes. He put Toushirou down on one of the flatter rocks formation. Gintoki took off his prison shirt. He couldn’t get it wet right now, this was the only clothing he had. He placed it next to Toushirou along with his sandals, before rolling his pants to avoid them getting wet. Then he backed away, keeping Toushirou in sight while he went to fish with the stick he found along their way to the river.

He wasn’t exactly an expert in this, Gintoki missed enough attempts that he could hear and see Toushirou stifling a laughter. That had irked him, but to be honest, it also eased him, knowing that the guy wasn’t in his previous state anymore. In the end he caught four fish and had slipped from the rock seven times. Gintoki showed the fish to Toushirou and the guy clapped his hands, whether that was genuine or sarcasm, Gintoki took all the compliment with a smug grin. He placed the fish on the riverside before picking Toushirou again. He noticed the shirt next to him was neatly folded.

They set up a small fire near the stream and cooked the fish on some sticks. The sun was setting as Gintoki dried himself. They waited in silent, then ate in silent. Gintoki kept watch of the other through occasional glances. You wouldn’t have known this guy had just went through something horrific if you didn’t look real close at him. His eyes were shining differently, gone were the dullness Gintoki saw earlier. If it weren’t from the physical injuries, you really wouldn’t have guessed. Toushirou bounced back to life quite fast. Was he used to that kind of treatment? What a peculiar guy.

Gintoki picked his teeth with the fish bone. “Oi, how old are you?”

Toushirou looked up, he frowned before fumbling with his hands. Gintoki watched the guy tried to do a gesture while balancing the stick with fish still hanging on it. Toushirou gestured from across the campfire.

_‘17’_

Huh. He was right about him being younger. “I’m 19.” He may not be that old in age, but his soul already felt like entering the mid-thirties, to be honest. Toushirou stared, nodded, then returned his attention back to his food.

Ah, what was he thinking? It was just too awkward, even a small conversation didn’t work. Gintoki threw the rest of his fish bones into the fire.

By the time they both finished, the sky had significantly darkened. He carried Toushirou back to the shack and placed him in the middle of the room. It was almost pitch black and Gintoki felt a tug at his sleeve once again when he stood up to leave the other. Was this attachment growing inside the younger? Really?

“I’m just going to look for something to light the place. It’s really dark, right?” After two countings, Toushirou let go of his grip. Gintoki looked around for any leftover lighting equipment but alas found none. He did find a lantern but the oil had run dried. He retuned empty-handed, then scanned the door partitions. Gintoki slid one open to let the moonlight in, they just had to make do with natural lighting, it seemed. He sat next to Toushirou while exhaling a loud sigh.

Gintoki laid on the tatami, pillowing his head with his arms crossed over his head. Next to him, Toushirou looked concerned, darting between the opened door screen and Gintoki. The silver haired man seemed to catch the meaning. “Don’t worry, no one is going to find us here.” And even if anyone did, Gintoki would make sure they would drop dead within seconds.

Toushirou didn’t let go of that frown, though. But the raven resigned and laid alongside Gintoki, wincing a bit when his back was pressed again the floor. There was a respectable distance between the two of them, Gintoki made sure that the other wasn’t too far away that he wouldn’t be able to snatch him close, should unsavory thing happen during the night. He doubted it, but there’s no harm in being prepared.

Exhaustion took hold of the boy fast and soon Gintoki heard the distinct soft breathing of someone asleep by his right. The silver haired gazed at the sleeping raven, those jet-black hair falling over his face. Gintoki thought of stray black cat and then looked away. He was as much as a stray like the one next to him. He’d keep this body running until he ran out of life candles. Their life candles. Toushirou was now a part of whatever stray life this was they were living. The boy wouldn’t survive alone with injuries, Gintoki knew how painful starvation is, he wouldn’t want it on anyone. They’d stick together, Gintoki and Toushirou, they’d survive together from now on, as strays.

Gintoki followed the other and finally slept.


	2. I found peaches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains graphic descriptions of rape aftermath. Unsavory themes will follow throughout the story. Please read with caution.

Toushirou woke up with a startling gasp, as if he had forgotten to breathe the entire time in his sleep. Perhaps he did, his eyes wide open and staring into unfamiliar ceiling. They were unfocused, mind still racing at the nightmare of too many hands touching him in too many places.

He choked a sob.

It wasn’t the first time. Being a homeless teenager, wandering around dangerous places all the time, those kinds of things were bound to happen. Sometimes he was able to fend for himself, sometimes he managed to run away, sometimes those arms caught him and forced him down with a beating. That last one was that kind of a beating. It wasn’t that he couldn’t deal with the humiliation and pain; hated to admit it, but at some point, a part of him had died to make room of acceptance. At some point his body didn’t feel like it belong to him anymore. That last one had taken the toll on him. Too many, they ganged up on him. Toushirou thought about his own faults in the grand scheme of things; if he wasn’t arrogant, if he didn’t pick fights all the time, if he didn’t bite more than he could chew. They had beaten him to a pulp before forcing themselves on him. Reliving that nightmare in his slumber, Toushirou wanted to scream his lungs out.

He tried. And that’s when he realized the passage of time.

Toushirou gasped out a broken wail instead of screamed. He couldn’t, when he opened his mouth, all he could remember were the things forced down in his throat. The in-betweens of his abuse were his own blood curling scream and he couldn’t get that memory out of his head. The images were burned at the back of his eyes, if he were to close them, they would spring right away, replaying his horror. The more he pushed those nightmares away, the more he pushed himself away and became a second view to his own body. Watching everything unfolded, experiencing but not, connected only in blinding white pain.

He wanted to claw his eyes out. He wanted to run, escape all this.

He tried. And again, reality grounded him.

He couldn’t stand up. When he tried, all that his body experienced was a surge of agony that had him choking for air. He couldn’t run away like this, he couldn’t even stand up. Toushirou was about to wail again when the stiffness of his legs brought his senses back. His eyes landed on the bandages wrapped around his ankles and Toushirou remembered.

He woke up without the person that he remembered. In an instant his mind was darted somewhere else, no longer clinging to his nightmares but rather at the absence of this person that spoke to him yesterday. Toushirou looked around the place, crawled as much as he can to search for this figure that might had just been a figment of his imagination. Silver. He remembered silver hair and silver light.

Gin…

Gin, wasn’t it?

Gin.

Gin!

Toushirou tried calling the name, despite only producing incorrigible noises. He tried because he had already latched on this person the moment he was shown kindness instead of abuse. That hadn’t happened to him in a long time and his mind couldn’t stop thinking of that warmth radiating from that person.

He deflated when he realized the house was empty save for himself slumping pathetically in the middle of the room. Gin left him, then…

“Morning.”

Toushirou scrambled towards the entrance, stumbling over his crippled legs but he endured them with biting his lips. All that he wanted now was to get to that person—

Gintoki caught him before Toushirou fell on the floor.

“Whoa, careful there!”

The urge to thank this man was filling his entire being. He clutched at the man’s sleeve, face scrunched in frustration, wanting to voice the two words of gratitude but none came out, only chopped off noises. His infuriating thoughts were dismissed when he felt Gintoki swiping his hair away from his face, tucking the loose strands behind Toushirou’s ear. The silver haired man then held open his palm.

“This yours, I believe? Found it when I was looking around the house.” It was his hairband. Gintoki placed it on Toushirou’s palm.

“Ah—”

Why couldn’t he say it—he wanted to say it badly… However, whenever he tried, each attempt—all he could see were flashes of nightmares.

Toushirou clenched at the hairband, then he shuffled to make a small room between them. He used everything within him to not scream at his legs throbbing in pain as he sat himself on his knees. Biting at the inside of his mouth to stifle the hiss. His body then bent in deep bow, forehead on the tatami floor.

“What are you—Hey, hey, no need for that… It’s fine, _you’re welcome_ , alright?” Gintoki’s hands were on his shoulder in an instant, guiding him to get up. When Toushirou looked up to meet those the other’s face, he received a small smile and a hand patting, then Gintoki ruffled his hair.

“I found a peach tree not far from here, shall we go take a look?”

It was nearby, on the opposite side from where they fished yesterday. Gintoki placed down Toushirou on a patch of grass near the tree. He had carried to this peach tree that he found during his morning walkaround. It was still bearing fruit in season, plenty of it, they had ripened, and some were already on the ground rotting. Toushirou, view no longer obstructed as his hair is now tied back into ponytail, watched Gintoki climbed the tree with practiced footings. Toushirou watched in slight awe.

The man then jumped down carrying a handful of peaches.

“Breakfast.” Gintoki’s grin was contagious and Toushirou found himself meekly mimicking it.

After that they walked around the area with Toushirou carried on Gintoki’s back. The older said about needing to find the nearest settlement, they couldn’t survive with just wandering around in the forest forever, after all.

Indeed, they found houses scattered in the area, each one abandoned and already in a state of being devoured by nature. Some were still standing; some couldn’t possibly be entered anymore. Gintoki inspected all of them, scavenging for anything useful that he could carry. The silver haired man had asked why everything was abandoned and Toushirou signed him a simple ‘war’. It was replied by a distant look in Gintoki’s face and Toushirou couldn’t really decipher what it meant.

At the last house they stopped, the place was in the best condition out of all that they’ve visited. They decided to stay the night on this one. Gintoki left Toushirou at the porch, promising him yet again that he wouldn’t be gone long in gathering food. The raven had wanted to go along with the man, he didn’t want to be left alone anymore. But he remembered how Gintoki took more stops while carrying him at the end of their wandering that day and Toushirou acknowledged his predicament. He’d been a hindrance to the man, needing to be carried around all the time. They needed to gather food quick before the night settled, having Toushirou tagging along would just slow Gintoki down.

Toushirou cursed at his useless legs, pressing hard at his ankles despite the surge of pain that immediately followed. He used that pain to get angrier at himself. If it weren’t for these injuries, he would be able to help Gintoki, he wouldn’t be a burden. Always a weight on somebody’s back, Toushirou remembered how he was always being protected by Tamegorou as well. His brother lost his eyes because of him, protecting him. Toushirou cursed with angry scowls and watering eyes. If he could, he’d trade his eyes for Tamegorou’s.

He pressed harder. _Hurry up and heal, dammit._

“Ah, made it in time.” The sun was a golden hue behind Gintoki when he came back with fishes and more of those peaches, he also brought back some twigs and leaves that the raven couldn’t identify. Toushirou straightened himself as a greeting for the returned man, a one syllable noise acted as his ‘Welcome back’.

Gintoki then placed the items he gathered next to Toushirou on the porch. “I’ll start the fire.”

Toushirou watched the man built the small campfire in front of the house. Feeling useless, the raven looked over the items next to him and decided to help by putting the fishes on the sticks, then wiping the peaches as clean as he could with his yukata. Gintoki then placed them around the fire before sitting next to Toushirou, and they both waited, watching the fire dance, casting silhouettes of roasting fishes on the dithering grass. The horizon in a reddish hue mimicking the flame in front of them.

“Tomorrow we’ll go northwest, we’d need to cross the river.” Toushirou made a noise as acknowledgement. Like it or not, they couldn’t stay in the forest forever, especially an abandoned one like this. The raven wanted to say that he knew of a village nearby, it was where he ran from. But he couldn’t really remember which direction it was. When he ran away from those chasing men, he just kept going forward. They cornered him somewhere inside the forest and the next he knew he woke up in that shack with filthy hands already all over his body.

“Here you go.” A fish was shoved in front of his face and the smell of it snapped Toushirou out of his stupor. He bowed a thanks and began nibbling it. They ate and watched the sun set in silent, letting the ambience of nature filled their surroundings. The cackling of fire serenaded by the steady melody from the crickets. Peace came into mind if you ask Toushirou what would he make off of this moment, but to think that this land was in fact ravaged by war…

He heard the sound of fruit being bitten rather noisily next to him and Toushirou glanced at the other guy. Blue and Red, their eyes met and that caught the raven off-guard. Was he being watched all this time by Gintoki? A slight hue colored Toushirou’s cheeks and he hid them behind the fish. He tried questioning the other with his brows drawn and eyes in slight glare.

“Your eyes are so...”

So what?

Toushirou’s frown deepened, the silent question was further inquired by a small tilt of his head. Gintoki shifted his attention back on the fire, a huff escaped his lips. “I thought you look like Zura but now with your hair tied like that, you two don’t look the same at all.”

When Gintoki spared him another glance, he took it as opportunity to mouth the two syllables as clear as he could, conveying the question.

Zura?

A pause, and Gintoki’s face had an unreadable expression with a somber air in it. “No one.”

They still couldn’t find any lantern they could light for the night, so they stayed on the porch until the fire eventually died. Gintoki reapplied the salve over Toushirou’s body, checking on the cast as well. With aids from the glowing flame, Toushirou was more aware of Gintoki’s hand over his injuries. It felt hot on his skin and a grounding presence that kept him from swaying back into unpleasant memories.

That warmth left his skin to help him fix his kimono. Before that hand left for good, Toushirou grasp for it and wrote on the palm.

_‘Thank you.’_

“Yeah.”

They slept in similar arrangement from last night, Gintoki kept one of the door screens open for light again. However, this time it was the silver perm head who fell asleep first. Toushirou had his eyes shut but they were nowhere near true slumber. His mind was awake.

It was probably midnight, he couldn’t tell, but the creeping coldness signaled of the time passed since that fire died. Toushirou was still awake and slightly shivering from the chilled air. He glanced and met with the back of Gintoki. The raven ended up scooting closer towards that radiating warmth. It wasn’t much, but the thought of not being alone already more than enough to blanket him.

Had he not met Gintoki, if the man didn’t found him in the first place..

Toushirou was sure he’d die one way or another. Injured and starving, couldn’t even walk. That would be the end of him, yet Kami-sama seemed to grant him a second life. For what purpose this second change was, Toushirou didn’t know. Staring at this man’s back, the person who found him, even nursing him to this extent. Toushirou owed him his life.


	3. The buns tasted of curses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains graphic descriptions of rape aftermath. Unsavory themes will follow throughout the story. Please read with caution.

They crossed the river with Gintoki carefully carrying Toushirou on his back. He packed along several items he found from the abandoned houses they had scavenge. They had a plan; they wouldn’t venture too far from the river in case they didn’t find any settlement by nightfall. If that happened, they’d tread back to the original shack and make do with what they had for the time being. They’d look in another direction tomorrow.

A rather bleak plan, if you ask for Gintoki’s personal opinion. But it was the safest thing he could think of. With Toushirou still incapable of walking on his own, they couldn’t risk it.

The boy was light on Gintoki’s back. His weight not so much of a burden, but rather a pleasant anchor on his consciousness. Having someone pressed close like that against his back that he could feel the other’s heart beating, it kept his mind grounded on reality. Gintoki imagined that if it weren’t for finding Toushirou, he would’ve lost all his last will to live.

They had traversed across the clear water river and made it to the other side with relative difficulty. In his way of wandering through the forest, Toushirou would occasionally tap his shoulder and pointed at a direction. He knew not what the raven had in mind but at this point, he’d take any guidance in navigating this dense forest.

Such a shame that the other couldn’t speak. Gintoki still wondered what might’ve caused that.

Upon walking a good distance from the river, they found the first building. It was yet again devoid of living people. Gintoki placed Toushirou by the porch before entering the abandoned place.

“Empty again, huh?” Gintoki took in the state of the shack. Judging from the size and all, he deduced that it was more of an outpost rather than a house. Nothing much were left inside, just more dilapidated furniture with broken parts. This wasn’t a good sign, if the entire area was completely abandoned, then there was no guessing how long they could survive on their own. Colder weather was approaching, they lacked the supplies needed to survive through Autumn, let alone Winter.

“Nothing here. Let’s keep going.” Gintoki carried Toushirou again and the raven seemed to have a thoughtful expression.

They wandered further while Gintoki kept mental note on his position in adjacent to the river. The more they walked, the more concerned Gintoki became of their predicament. But it was soon washed away when he noticed what looked to be a paddy field in front of them. A closer look and he found a settlement. There were houses with billowing smoke puffing out from the chimneys. Signs of human civilization. Gintoki hastened his steps to get to the village.

There were people working on the field, men carrying sacks on the street, children playing on the grass, women conversing near the well. It was a small village with just enough families. People started to notice Gintoki and Toushirou when they both arrived by the entrance gate of the village. The silver hair clearly stood out in the scenery, not to mention the fact that he was carrying another person on his back.

Gintoki scanned the people that were eyeing them for anyone that might look any bit trustworthy. He knew which kind of eyes that hid killing intent behind them, which were honest. Gintoki approached a man that was resting by a house.

“Excuse me, is there a place where we can stay and get medical treatment?” The man looked over them for a moment before mutedly pointing at a direction across the street. “The inn around the corner. The old woman there can help you.”

Gintoki nodded, bidding the man a low ‘thank you’ which was followed by Toushirou. They found the small inn with the old lady standing in front of it, fanning herself with an uchiwa. The elderly seemed to have spotted the stranger pair and had taken in the sight of a person carrying another on his back.

“Granny, do you have a room for us to stay?” Gintoki watched her giving a look over him and Toushirou, eyes landing and staying on the sight of Toushirou’s poorly bandaged feet.

The old lady remained quiet longer than Gintoki would like. He couldn’t exactly read the woman’s thoughts with such a wrinkly impassive face. Elderly people are both the easiest and hardest to read.

“My friend needs treatment for his injuries.” Gintoki jostled Toushirou a bit to give a hint, he felt Toushirou’s hands clutched tighter on his back.

The old lady paused before motioning the pair to come. They entered the inn without hesitation. The woman then silently gestured at the tatami before going somewhere at the back of the house, and Gintoki gently put Toushirou down. The raven had a concerned look on his face but Gintoki reassured him with a pat on the shoulder.

“You boys must hungry. Here,” The old lady returned with a plate of steaming manjuu and placed it between where Toushirou and Gintoki sat.

“Thank you so much, granny.” Gintoki took one of the buns, only after he took the first bite that Toushirou followed by grabbing one himself. The old lady watched them from behind the inn front desk with a smile that tethered to something unreadable.

“Young man, were you serving at the war?” The old lady caught Gintoki by surprised he nearly choked on his bite.

He coughed. “Ah, yeah, you could say that.” _More than serving_ , if Gintoki were to be honest.

“And your friend?”

“No, no, it’s just me.”

“I see..” Gintoki noticed Toushirou darting between him and the old lady, something like wary was written clearly on the other’s face.

“We heard stories about the war here,” Gintoki returned his attention to the old lady across the room. “there are said to be legends among the samurai fighting the Amanto. They are called the Four Heavenly Kings.” Gintoki didn’t like where this was going. “Young man, are you perhaps one of the Kings?”

Gintoki forced a laugh. “What are you saying, granny? There’s no way..”

“You’re the Shiroyasha, yes?” The silver haired samurai paused. “The samurai from this village served the war as well, they were under the command of the feared Shiroyasha. My son also served at the war.” Gintoki couldn’t place this uneasiness inside his chest. “My son deterred the government from finding this village during the last purge.”

A pregnant pause landed between them.

“Young man, I can give you and your friend a place to stay if you help working in the village. We lost a good amount of manual labor during the war.”

Gintoki agreed without missing a beat.

* * *

They finally had a place to stay, however temporary this may be. A small room at the back of the inn, no furniture saved for a single wardrobe on the corner of the room. The old woman said she only had one spare futon so Gintoki and Toushirou shared it. In the first couples of nights, the futon was given for Toushirou to use, but after some persistent tugging and deep scowl from the black-haired boy, Gintoki relented and shared the mattress with him.

During the day, Gintoki worked various manual labors around the village. He helped in the field, helped carrying sacks from one end of the village to the other. Words travel from the old lady about him being the Shiroyasha and people began noticing him more. At first it was out of mild curiosity, at the stranger with peculiar hair color. However, with the added information from the old lady, soon they realized who this stranger was. Gintoki worked with that small room and two meals a day as payment. For him and Toushirou, that was more than enough.

The other boy Gintoki left at the inn, the old lady tasked him with some small chores, from what Gintoki had seen when he returned to the place one afternoon, Toushirou was helping with folding some cloths. His ankles were healing, his other injuries were able to be properly treated. They were able to pass the week in that small village. All and all, things were looking better for them.

Until it wasn’t.

Gintoki noticed it around the end of their first week, when it was time for him to reapply Toushirou’s medication. He helped with applying the salve on the other’s back and from yesterday’s look of it, majority of the cuts and bruises were almost gone. Toushirou had refused Gintoki’s help the next day, the silver-haired man had asked if the other was sure of it and he got a frantic nod as reply. Gintoki supposed, the injuries had healed enough for him to do it on his own, so he didn’t press further.

A couple days after that, he accidentally nudged Toushirou in their sleep. Gintoki had always been a light sleeper, despite what his outward lazy appearance. He heard a wince from his side and the sound of ragged breathing woke him up fully. Toushirou was still sleeping next to him. He seemed to be having trouble breathing and Gintoki frowned at that. A suspicion grew within the silver-haired man.

Gintoki usually took his bath after Toushirou, he’d help the raven tending his injuries first before leaving. That night Gintoki pretended went to the bathroom. He closed the shoji behind him with a small gap. He heard a rustle of Toushirou stripping his kimono and Gintoki took a peek. What he saw enraged him more than it surprised him. Littered across the other’s frame were blossoming bruises and marks. They were similar to the very injuries he had found Toushirou a week ago. Gintoki clenched his fists instead of confronting the boy straight. He was angry more to himself for allowing this to happen under his own vision. Whatever it was.

That night he couldn’t sleep at all. His mind kept wondering of how long Toushirou had been hiding those injuries, how often was it. After about a week, the people around the village no longer stared suspiciously at him. They didn’t completely disappear, more like it subsided. They ignored him for the majority of it now. Gintoki had noticed it from the very beginning, even when he took the old lady’s offer, he knew that the village held a level of disdain towards him. As the only survivor of the purge, escaping his execution, the failure of a general whom those samurai had served. Gintoki knew of their hatred of him.

They kept him working through the entire day and snatched Toushirou during that time.

Gintoki feigned his morning routine of going to the field for more labor. He hid behind the shadows of the alley across the inn after that. Not long after that, a small group of middle-aged men entered the inn. The old lady paid no attention to her new customers, seemingly letting them in. Gintoki nearly assaulted those men then and there when he saw them hauling Toushirou’s limp body as they exited the inn. The silver-haired samurai followed them to the very first shack that Gintoki found at the periphery of the village.

Toushirou was motionless throughout the journey, unconscious, it seemed. This angered Gintoki immensely. The men were in the middle of stripping Toushirou’s unconscious body when Gintoki kicked the shoji screen, breaking the wooden frame and sending it across the room.

He was blinded by pure rage. Gintoki grabbed one of the men and threw him into the wall. One of them had a small knife and slashed his side. Gintoki broke the man’s wrist and stabbed him with the same knife. There were about six men in total, three of them charged at Gintoki at the same time. The enraged samurai broke their bones with no hesitation, landing blows after blows that sent them flying across the tatami. The last man had grabbed a wooden block and bashed Gintoki’s head with it. The block broke into splinters and Gintoki used the broken half to stab the man in the face with the pointed end.

There was no telling if these were all the man that had assaulted Toushirou or if there were more of them. So Gintoki immediately grabbed for the raven, picking him in his arms, and escaping the village altogether. Whether the entire village were on the scheme, he didn’t know, wouldn’t know because he couldn’t care less about that. What he cared now was running as far away from that wretched place. Gintoki ran as far as his lungs could carry him, then he walked as far as his legs could do.

Somewhere in between their directionless escape, Toushirou had stirred up in his arms. The boy was in and out of consciousness, the blood trickling at his temple gave hint of a heavy blow. Gintoki tighten his hold of him.

Gintoki kept walking, ignoring his muscles and bones that were screaming in pain. He ignored any bodily demand of a rest. The scenery changed; the area became less rural than before. Before he knew it, they were stepping into a graveyard.

His entire body screamed in agony at an instance and Gintoki finally gave in. He leaned against one of the carved stone, slumping with Toushirou still unconscious in his lap. The weather grew colder and he pulled the other closer. It was only after seating for a while that he noticed the already dried blood on his side. Between bleeding from his head and that, Gintoki’s consciousness was depleting.

Something about dying in a graveyard felt fitting to him.

Gintoki drew Toushirou closer.

He didn’t know how long it had been when he heard the sound of footsteps approaching the tombstone. Gintoki heard ceramic hitting stone, followed by some rustling.

“Hey, Granny, are those meat buns? Can I get one?” Gintoki clutched at Toushirou’s frame. “My stomach’s so empty, I think I’m going to die.”

He heard a soft huff. “They belong to my husband. You’ll have to ask for his permission.”

Gintoki shuffled from behind the tombstone and reached for the plate on the other side. He saw a glimpse of the old woman’s shocked face at the sight of Toushirou laying limp on his lap, both drenched in blood. There were two meat buns and Gintoki ate one.

“Ask your husband? Are you kidding?” He chewed. “I can’t talk to someone who’s dead.”

He heard another snort. “Don’t come crying to me if he curses you.”

Gintoki made another promise to protect someone’s life.


	4. There is no merit to this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains graphic descriptions of rape aftermath. Unsavory themes will follow throughout the story. Please read with caution.

From the moment they set foot in the village, Toushirou had a bad premonition. He was told by from a very young age that he had a good instinct and that he should trust himself more. And he did, he held his late mother’s words close to his heart, relied on it as guidance when he was on his own. As far as he had gone, his instinct had never failed him. So, having this uneasiness creeping inside him when they passed the village gate was an alarm for Toushirou.

They made their way and Toushirou realized Gintoki must had been on the same page as him because the guy also seemed to be wary of the folks. Out of the village people doing their daily labors, Gintoki chose the same person that Toushirou would had chosen. His alarm calmed down a little as he let himself trust in the silver-haired’s judgement.

He should’ve told Gintoki.

That old lady’s gaze was like hawk against him, for some reason it was only directed at him; did Gintoki not notice this?

There was something very unsettling with how she spoke and looked at Toushirou when Gintoki wasn’t around. Her words were polite with the tiniest hint of passive-aggressiveness. Her sentences seemed to hang in the air, and it was on the second day that Toushirou truly realized her meanings.

He was ambushed during mid-day, not long after Gintoki went out to help with labors. The old lady tasked Toushirou with small chores in the front store when he noticed a group of middle-aged men approaching the inn. He didn’t recognize them at first but one of them had a jagged scar across his left cheek and Toushirou remembered the guy from a few days ago. Toushirou gave that scar when he fought against all those pair of hands touching him.

Immediately, dread sank into the pit of his stomach. His instinct was never wrong. He needed to hide, but he couldn’t even walk let alone run from the place. Toushirou tried calling for the old lady but she seemed to have gone into the back of the inn. Before he could do anything else, his vision turned dark and he collapsed against those hands that just hit his head hard.

White, blinding, searing pain was the one that woke him up after that. There were murmurs surrounding him and Toushirou immediately trashed when he felt the feeling of too many hands touching him in too many places. He screamed as much as he could, kicking with his still injured leg. Someone managed to pin him down, and another person threatened to cut his tendon if he tried that again.

Toushirou quietened after that. Gone were his reckless attitude as fear seeped in slowly but surely. He became more aware of it ever since he realized he could’ve actually died back then. His rash attitude kept landing him in life-or-death situation, it was foolish to think that he could fight every single obstacle in his life. There were things you cannot fight, things you had to sacrifice. Toushirou found a reason to keep on living in the form of a silver-haired stranger and he was willing to sacrifice this for that sake.

He endured. There wasn’t much he could do, anyway. His old self would’ve fought hard, but look where that landed him. Unable to stand on his own, voice choked down by all the “Stop, no, please, no more, don’t, stop, no, no, nonononono—”

His life wasn’t worth much to begin with. Son of a mistress, thrown away like trash. Being treated like this felt like life itself was mocking him, telling him how one should always know of their place. It really wasn’t worth anything.

But Tamegorou treasured him, and for a while, it meant the world to him. In the end, though, it only came full circle that had costed his brother’s eyes. Toushirou knew of his worth from the moment he learned the word ‘whore’ that was always thrown at his mother. Looking back at that and at his situation now, the fruit really didn’t fall far from the tree.

And yet, a stranger came to rescue him. Maybe out of pure coincidence, some consciences over not leaving a guy like that, or something more noble that Toushirou couldn’t see. All in all, a miracle that could only happen once. So, Toushirou wouldn’t want to waste such gift, that was reason enough for him to not throw away his life anymore. Gintoki already did so much for him in such a short time, the least he could do was to keep on living, no matter what.

They dropped him back at the inn before sundown, before Gintoki came back. They picked him up again the next day around the same time. When he noticed that the old woman was there with him at the front desk and she just watched him being taken away like that, Toushirou realized this village’s true color.

* * *

Toushirou woke up to a dark room and soft mattress. There was a limb across his chest and his immediate reaction was to freeze. It wasn’t pressing against him, but it felt suffocating, nonetheless. He was just about to jerk away from the hand when his face came to Gintoki snoring lightly right next to him. The sight of the sleeping man eased his nerves. It was easier to breathe again.

He knew Gintoki wouldn’t do anything bad towards him and that was why he could calm himself down despite how much his body was subconsciously screaming at the foreign touch. The feeling of phantom hands imprinting on him still too fresh for him to truly relish being close to Gintoki like this. He knew those were Gintoki’s hands but what his body felt was just a hand, not the person.

But it was Gintoki. It was only Gintoki. Toushirou kept saying this to his own and forced himself to go back to sleep.

When he woke again, daylight entered from the window to their left. Toushirou woke up before Gintoki and took his time to savor this moment with the man. Safety felt natural with the silver perm-head. More than enough time, throughout their stay in the village, Toushirou didn’t want to get up from the bed. It would mean Gintoki having to work for the folks and him being left with those people. Everything only ever felt like a nightmare and this small moment of a pause was the only thing he could savor.

Toushirou didn’t know what time it was but it was probably late. The old lady could kick them out if the perm-head didn’t wake up now, so he shook Gintoki. Something that Toushirou noticed during his time sleeping close to the perm-head was that Gintoki had a weird sleeping habit. At times, he’d seem to be on high-alert and woke up easily, even from the tiniest disturbance. The other times, he’d sleep like a log, you could barely stir him up. It seemed to be the later one today, Toushirou kept shaking him while yawning on his own.

He then realized the unfamiliar room they were in, the unfamiliar futon they were sleeping in. Toushirou immediately shook Gintoki harder.

“Ng—wh..” Toushirou poked at his face, at the guy’s chest, at Gintoki’s side, and the last one was the most effective as Gintoki suddenly jolted awake.

“Wha—!!” Toushirou wasted no time in gesturing at the entire room, face questioning hard the silver-haired for explanation.

Gintoki rubbed his face, eyes barely opened when he began to talk. “Right, you were out the entire time.” He yawned. “We’re no longer in that place.” Gintoki sounded wide awake at his last sentence and Toushirou sort of understood the implication.

The raven consciously looked down on his clothes and noticed that it wasn’t his kimono that he was wearing. He was changed into a dark grey kimono while Gintoki himself was wearing a dark blue jinbei.

“Got the clothes from the old lady.”

Toushirou looked at him concernedly.

“No, no, not _that_ old lady. Another one.” Gintoki scratched his messy perm head. “She said she has no use of them anymore, so she let us have it. Ah, I also cleaned you before changing your clothes… You were out for a long time.”

Toushirou pulled over the kimono fabric, trying to cover his neck and chest. Gintoki looked away.

“Yeah.”

Gintoki had found him in that shack, probably. How much did he see? What state was Toushirou in when Gintoki found him? Was that the reason they were no longer in that village? Toushirou glanced up at the other and finally took notice of the bandages wrapped around him. The one covering his head was the most apparent one.

“A—” His body moved on its own when he saw them. _What happened to Gintoki?_

The silver-haired man looked at Toushirou, connecting the dots of the hands that were hovering in the air as if trying to reach him and the distressed look on the raven’s face. “This? It’s just some scratch. No need to worry.”

Gintoki tried to reassure him with a smile and Toushirou decided not to pry more. It was probably from those people, he could guess as much. Gintoki rescued him yet again.

“Anyway, what about you, how’re you feeling?”

Terrible. His body didn’t feel like his own, he felt disgusting. If he stopped thinking for a moment, he could sense those hands all over his skin again. It was suffocating and he couldn’t breathe with the phantom feeling of something down his throat.

Toushirou took one of Gintoki’s palm.

_‘Good.’_

“Alright.”

Gintoki’s thumb brushed over his hand for a second.

“I should tell you this. We’re in Edo now. The old lady that found us, Otose, she’s the one letting us stay at her place. She owned a bar downstairs; this is her unused second floor.” He gestured at the room. “She also offered to call the doctor to check on your injuries.”

Toushirou froze.

“We know that they’re healing, but you need the proper folks to look out for things like fractured bones or even infections. Your injuries—”

Toushirou instinctively pushed away from where he was leaning at Gintoki, clutching at his kimono, and Gintoki got the message.

“Alright, alright, I understand. Just the legs, then. We can’t have your ankles be healing wrongly.”

Gintoki complied easily with his request and that surprised Toushirou. He had thought the man would be adamant about having all of his injuries checked, every one of them that were scattered across his body. He didn’t know if he could handle any other stranger touching his skin again, not even a doctor. Toushirou could barely handle Gintoki right now. It was already humiliating that the silver-haired man got to know of those things done unto him, the thought of more people being aware of it made his stomach convulsed.

The man seemed to be able to read Toushirou well, knew his thoughts without having it be said. Toushirou was immensely relieved of that.

He couldn’t thank the man enough.

From the very first moment they met, he really owed it to this person that he was still alive and breathing. Saving him again and again, he felt like being saved by Tamegorou all over again. This was beyond helping an injured stranger. The length that silver-haired man went, asking how he was feeling, nursing his pathetic self when there was no merit in doing so. There was no benefit in rescuing Toushirou yet Gintoki did it all the same. And because of that, Toushirou really did owe it all to him.

He held his breath to suppress the pain of sitting on his knees. Toushirou then bowed on the floor in front of Gintoki again.

“Hey! I told you, oi, no need for that—” Toushirou didn’t budge from Gintoki’s prying hands. He refused to be pulled from the position. His frame shook and he bit his lips to stifle the sobs.

“You…”


	5. Somehow important

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains graphic descriptions of rape aftermath. Unsavory themes will follow throughout the story. Please read with caution.

A doctor came in the next day after with the help of Otose. They had Toushirou’s injuries inspected, to see how serious the problems were. True to Gintoki’s suspicion from the beginning, there were a couple of fracture spots on the boy’s ankles. It weren’t life-threatening or anything, but if it weren’t treated properly and immediately, it could turn quite bad. If it weren’t for Gintoki’s first aid with the make-shift cast, it could had been worse.

Gintoki listened and provided the needed information for the doctor by Toushirou’s side. The raven had toughened up for the doctor’s visit, but there was no denying the nervousness palpitating from the boy’s frame. He looked tense, despite his impassiveness. His brows were kept in hard crease all the time.

The doctor only checked on Toushirou’s leg as it was all that the boy allowed. He adamantly refused Gintoki’s coaxing the night before, and Gintoki could perhaps understand the reasoning behind that stubbornness. He was probably ashamed.

The silver-haired samurai complied. He didn’t make the doctor look at Toushirou’s other injuries. However, that didn’t mean that he wasn’t concerned about them. Gintoki escorted the doctor away and once they were under the stairs, now shaded in the alleyway next to the Snack Otose building, Gintoki began asking.

“Sensei, there’s something else I want to ask.”

“Yes?”

“Truth is… his ankles aren’t the only injuries he sustained.”Gintoki hardened himself, _Sorry Toushirou_. “He was sexually assaulted; he has other physical injuries. They’re mostly shallow cuts and bruises, I don’t think there’s any internal organ damage, but he doesn’t exactly want others to know, you see.”

The doctor listened intently. “He was raped by a bunch of men, and… is there… —could something like that, make a person lost their voice?”

It was a small guess from Gintoki. When he recalled his first encounter with Toushirou, the boy was surprised himself that he couldn’t talk. And he had seen Toushirou struggled with his own self, trying to express his thoughts.

“I don’t know about that myself, I have never encountered such kind of patient before.” The doctor held his chin in his fingers. “However, I’ve read somewhere about the effects of trauma, particularly in soldiers from the war. A traumatic experience can cause physical damage. The field of study is called Psychology and it’s still being researched. I’m afraid I couldn’t help you much about that. Perhaps try to keep communicating with him? If what you were saying was true, then perhaps there might still be a chance that he could get his voice back? Just like his fractured bones and cuts, injuries can heal, yes?”

Gintoki deflated and nodded at the doctor’s words. He was right, it didn’t mean he should lose hope yet; but not knowing how to treat the problem bothered the silver-haired man a lot.

The doctor rummaged inside his bag and held a small tin container, he then gave it to Gintoki. “It’s a healing salve for external use, I think this might be useful with his other injuries. If you need more, just let me know and I can give you the prescription.”

“Thank you, Sensei.”

* * *

“Excuse me, I’m Sakata Gintoki, the one from Snack Otose?”

A middle-aged man with quite a build answered Gintoki’s call. The man looked up from his work, wiping his sweat with the cloth draped over his neck.

“Oh, right, right! Come here, boy!”

Gintoki excused himself and entered the construction ground.

It was something that Otose had suggested (and helped in recommending him across her channels of connection in the town). She said it while feeding him and Toushirou dinner for the fourth night. They ate around the time before the bar opened.

“This is not a town for lazy bums.” She had spoked while smoking her cigarette, watching her new tenants eating. “You need to pay me for the rent and food, you know. You need to find a job.”

Gintoki knew from the beginning that he couldn’t just sit down and tend to Toushirou 24/7, as much as he wanted to. It was by miracle that they were found by this old woman in that cemetery, even as far as to provide these strangers with shelters and food. Eventually, he had to go back into society. If he—along with Toushirou, wanted to stay alive in this new world, then they had to work hard for it.

“I can provide you with roof over your head and food for your stomach, but you’d still need money for other stuff, aren’t you?” Otose looked at him straight and Gintoki understood her. There are limits to how far she could help. Gintoki had to pay for Toushirou’s consultation fee and prescriptions.

“Yeah, yeah, I hear you.”

In the end, Gintoki got help from Otose in procuring a job. It was a construction work. They were building Edo, what with the Amanto being accepted into the country. The capital was in the process of being reformed, so to speak. New buildings were being constructed here and there, requiring workers from across the country. Otose had recommended him to a friend of her.

“Before that, you need to cut your hair. You look like a haggard homeless man.” _I **am** homeless, you old hag. _

Otose cut his hair, clipping over his long bangs and messy strands. They seemed to disappear when they fell onto the white cloth draped over his body. He only ever had his hair cut properly like this, with attentive hands trimming at his hair, probably twice now. One was with Shouyo-sensei who trimmed his hair one afternoon after quipping how long his bangs had grown. A couple months later, Shouyo-sensei was captured. Ever since then, Gintoki had never had his hair cut. The most that he did was trimming the loose strands that disrupt his vision using his sword—Sensei’s sword that was.

Right. He had thrown that sword into the ocean after that time at the cliff.

Gintoki barely recognized himself when Otose showed him his reflection with the mirror. He asked Toushirou how he looked, and the boy fumbled a bit before giving him a thumb-up, though weirdly enough with a constipated look. He supposed he looked presentable, his ears were no longer obstructed by his silver hair, the mop still retained its volume despite the trimming. It felt weird to feel the breeze against his ear. Otose smiled knowingly in her own mannerism. It was the first time that Gintoki had felt refreshed.

The foreman showed him around the site. Gintoki had told him his experience, omitting any details about the war and such. He only explained that he was pretty much good with any kind of works as long as it’s not paperwork, in which the other man guffawed heartily and patted his back. “You won’t be finding that kind of stuff in the site, kiddo.”

Thus, began Gintoki’s day job as a construction worker. It ended just before sunset. Toushirou on the other hand, started helping Otose at the bar while Gintoki out for work. After the first night where both Gintoki and Toushirou helped at the bar during the night, they concluded that crowded place really didn’t do good for Toushirou. The poor boy looked like a wild cat, uncomfortable through the entire night. Otose noticed this and it really set her apart from the old lady from the previous village that they stayed in when the snack bar owner said they didn’t have to help her during the night. As such, that left Gintoki and Toushirou with ample amount of leisure time in the evening. After the doctor’s visit, they began doing small therapy for Toushirou’s legs to heal. Small things like having Gintoki massaged the muscles, helping with the salve for the other injuries; Gintoki dedicated his time tending to Toushirou’s well-being.

Even during daytime, his mind was mostly preoccupied with the raven. Wondering what the guy was doing at the snack bar, if there was anything that he could bring home, Toushirou’s progression with his healing. It was something that the Gintoki from months (maybe even years) ago wouldn’t even think about doing. He had never hold this much attention towards his friends’ well-being. Takasugi, Katsura, Tatsuma; even towards Sensei, Gintoki didn’t subject his mind into constantly thinking of ‘what are they doing right now’.

Perhaps because Gintoki knew that those people were capable on their own, they needed no worry from him. But Toushirou wasn’t exactly an incapable person. He had his disabilities now, however, Gintoki believed that Toushirou could hold on his own. He had that look in those blue eyes that would light up with determination at certain times. The raven was a hardworking guy, Otose told him this, reporting of how Toushirou worked hard with his chores at the bar. The old woman gave him simple tasks that didn’t require him to move from his seating place much. She observed how diligent the boy was with the chores she had given him. There was no doubt that the boy wanted to help more.

And yet, it didn’t erase the fact that Gintoki thought about Toushirou more than he normally would. There was an unerasable desire to protect the other guy, something related to how he was slowly viewing Toushirou more and more as someone he couldn’t imagine living without. He found the boy, he helped him this far, Gintoki wanted to see him alive and well.

Toushirou was becoming more and more important to Gintoki.

* * *

“Toushirou.”

The raven looked up from the work he was doing. He was folding their washed clothes. During the day, he dedicated his time working for Otose; be it with at the bar or even helping the old woman’s household chores. During the evening, Toushirou did their chores. Gintoki rested on the tatami while Toushirou occupied with whatever he was doing. The silver-haired man was already doing manual labor (not mentioning how Gintoki carried Toushirou up and down the stairs every day), so he should rest after work. Toushirou was the one who demanded Gintoki to rest, after all.

“Toushirou.” Gintoki spoke again, eyes on the ceiling.

He received a poke on his cheek, then a pinch on his nose. Something that conveyed ‘ _What is it?_ ’ was directed at him when Gintoki finally looked at Toushirou.

He continued despite still having his nose blocked by the other. “Ith kindha mouthfulb…”

The raven removed his hand, giving Gintoki a questioning look.

“Your name. Kind of mouthful to say, isn’t it? Tou – Shi – Rou.” The silver-haired man shuffled to sit cross-legged facing the other, a hand under his chin as he hummed a thoughtful one.

Not a moment after it, he felt a tug at his sleeve. Toushirou then tugged at his hand, practically pulling his right palm. The boy than began tracing a set of letters.

_‘To – Shi’_

“Toshi?”

Toushirou just gave him a look.

“Toshi. Toshi. Hmm.” Gintoki mulled over it, testing it in his mouth. “Toshi… huh.”

He noticed the boy was looking rather annoyed the more Gintoki dragged it, which was exactly the perm head’s intent all along.

“It’s great, I like it.” He gave Toushirou a smile and the other replied back with a small one of his own.


	6. Things that accumulate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains graphic descriptions of rape aftermath. Unsavory themes will follow throughout the story. Please read with caution.

_This is Edo_ , was what Gintoki said to Toushirou the first thing when the boy noticed the changed of scenery. Nothing like the less populous countryside, Edo was packed with people. Rows of houses, buildings that seemed to never cease beyond the horizon when Toushirou looked from the balcony of the place he was staying now. This two-story house was going to be his home from now on, Gintoki had said as well. Their home.

Toushirou had never seen these much of people, especially when he first saw Otose’s bar at night. It was the second night they stayed at their new place, and the two country bumpkins thought that they should help with the bar as a way to express their gratitude to the old lady. A couple of patrons entered the place, with how relaxed they were talking with Otose, Toushirou guessed they were the regulars. Most of them were middle aged men, married and single, employed and unemployed, they all had that hearty laughter of friendly townsfolks.

The raven was stationed at the end of the counter, sitting on a stool, and wiping the glasses. Gintoki was in charge of service and Toushirou was taken in slight awe with how at ease the other was with serving the drinks. Holding multiple glasses like he had done this countless of times, Gintoki moved around the customers like a breeze. Every now and then he would check on Toushirou, who would give a nod of acknowledgement in return, which was replied with a small smile by the perm head.

It was when the night went further, and more customers poured in. What was only a couple of people at the bar counter and a three people at the booth, turned into the place at full capacity. Patrons who got drunker by the night, Otose whose voice now completely drowned by the patrons’ chatters. Gintoki was like a weed tumbling in the sea of drunk men.

When he first noticed how crowded the place had become, Toushirou kept to himself at the corner of the room, tried to keep himself occupied with cleaning the glasses and bottles. More people came in, more people ordered, and of course more dirty glasses being handed to his side by Gintoki and Otose. The cacophony of various noises was nothing new to him, but this was what he used to listen back in the Hijikata household multiplied by tenfold. Toushirou could barely orient himself when Otose asked him for the clean glasses. Gintoki couldn’t check much on him because the silver haired boy was completely surrounded by the curious townsfolk, he was an eye-catching newcomer after all.

“You’re the other new one working here, huh? Aren’t you a pretty little something,”

Toushirou tensed at the voice suddenly close to him. A middle-aged man, leaning on the counter with his own glass of sake. Toushirou blinked warily. The suffocating atmosphere already made him uncomfortable, now he was even more on alert with his surrounding, especially with the unsavory comment the man just spoke.

“Hey, c’mere, here’s the other new one!”

Toushirou visibly panicked the man’s exclamation and he felt his throat swelling when he saw more people crowding him. Too many eyes were on him in an instant. He backed away against the corner, but his shoulder already hit the wall.

“Oh, wow! Look at you!”

“Whoa, Otose got some helpers, huh.”

“Hey, what’s your name, miss?”

“Eh, it’s a miss, right? Is it?”

“What’s your name?”

Toushirou shook so much that he dropped the glass. The sound was drowned by the loud chatter of the bar, however Gintoki seemed to hear it clear because the silver haired boy was immediately calling Toushirou’s name. He pushed against the crowd and entered the backside of the counter, quickly by the raven’s side. Toushirou wildly grasped for Gintoki, backing away from the confused men in front of him.

“ _Baba!”_

“Wha—!”

The night ended with Gintoki carrying the panicked Toushirou away from the crowd and Otose closing her bar early. The silver haired boy only dropped him when they were in their room, and even then Toushirou never let go of his desperate cling on Gintoki’s clothes.

He calmed down after fifteen minutes, they both remained quiet, only the gradual descends of Toushirou’s gasps into a steady breathing that filled the dark room.

This was Edo and Toushirou needed to get used to it.

But everything was still too much, the memory of too many men was still too fresh in his mind. It almost felt like he couldn’t go back to his old self, the thorny kid who was afraid of nobody—Toushirou was completely frightened by the amount of patrons downstairs.

Gintoki stayed by his side the entire time, his presence was the much-needed anchor for Toushirou. Eventually the boy passed out from his own exhaustion.

He was still there within his grasp when Toushirou woke up the next morning.

* * *

They stayed inside the next day, Toushirou still too shaken to even make a move from where he was curling into the other boy. He hated himself who got frazzled over such a small thing. He hated that he was reduced to this stupidly useless, helpless state. He hated that he could still remember everything vividly—those memories never left him, imprinted on his skin, and just the slightest hint of it would bring the full scene back to his eyes. Even if he did not want to remember, his own body would react accordingly, his entirety could not forget.

He didn’t let go of Gintoki much like how he didn’t let go of his mother or Tamegorou when he had his nightmares.

But eventually he had to. Otose knocked on their door and Gintoki had to get up to get her. She brought them food and sat with them on the tatami floor. She apologized for last night, she didn’t know Toushirou would be so overwhelmed by the crowd. Gintoki apologized back, saying that it was his fault for not considering Toushirou’s condition and agreeing to the job without the boy’s consideration.

Toushirou wanted to scream _no_ , wanted to say that it wasn’t any of their faults, that it was his. He was the one who should be apologizing here.

But all that came out was a choked distressed cry, and so he prostrated again, he was the one at fault.

Toushirou saw the old lady in the same light as Gintoki when she told them that they didn’t have to work at the bar anymore. Although that she appreciated the help, she alone could handle it. But Gintoki would still need to find work to support for their own lives. She could provide some help in looking for one. She didn’t kick them out or get mad from the trouble they must had caused to her. She was kind in her own words and Toushirou now owed his life to another person again.

Otose helped the silver haired boy procured a job at a construction site. It was one of her bar patrons, a good man, as she had described. Otose even helped in cleaning Gintoki’s appearance before his first day at the worksite. His silver hair would forever be a mess, but the trimmed did a great job at making him look fresh. Toushirou watched from the other side of the counter and fumbled an affirmation when Gintoki asked how he looked.

He looked good.

Gintoki worked on the construction site while Toushirou worked at the bar during the day. He helped whatever he could help; be it tending the snack house or helping Otose’s household chores. The old lady had said that he didn’t have to, but Toushirou wanted to. He could not just stay idle inside the house; he didn’t want to be alone.

His legs were healing, but it was still a long way ‘til their full recovery. Luckily for him, the doctor said that his left ankle wasn’t broken like the right one. It would still take time for it to heal, but he could start walking again with help of crutches in about a few weeks.

It was good news, both him and Gintoki were relieved to hear that. And yet, when Toushirou thought about it—how his body needed to heal for months when the destruction only occurred in less than an hour; how if he didn’t kick those men back then, he’d probably still able to walk now. He felt stupid for realizing it late, how actions have consequences.

* * *

The book was introduced to him after the third appointment with the doctor. It was a sign language book; originally from the Amanto, and was translated into Japanese. The book itself hadn’t finished the translation and editing process, the doctor said that one of his colleagues happened to work in the research department and was able to procure them a bit of the finished part from the book. The doctor gave Toushirou a booklet with the finished translated part. It was just the Japanese alphabets with the hand-signs, the doctor said that commonly used phrases were still in translating process. This was technically a confidential document not to be released to the public just yet, but the doctor wanted to help Toushirou. The boys couldn’t thank the doctor enough.

Learning the new language was added to their nightly routine. Toushirou had never been more excited to learn a new skill, the prospect of being able to communicate better with everyone drove his excitement. He didn’t have any real education in his childhood. He was only able to read and write in hiragana as it was taught by his late mother and Tamegorou. The only kanji he knew to write was his name. The raven was worried at first that the book would be written in full kanji, but to his relief the signs were all in the words that he recognized. Some descriptions and others were still written in the complex language and Toushirou needed Gintoki’s help in reading.

What started as Toushirou asking Gintoki to read some part of the text, turned into Gintoki teaching him how to read and write kanji. It took him by surprise when he learned that Gintoki could read and write them. Toushirou slid a paper questioning him, during their first lesson.

“How did I know what—oh, you mean this?” Gintoki scratched his hair. “I went to a temple school before.”

Toushirou wrote on the paper. _‘That’s amazing.’_

Gintoki snorted. “I only know a handful, and I haven’t used them since forever. I’m relearning this with you.”

Otose didn’t have any sort of learning materials they could use, but she directed them to a local secondhand shop. Gintoki found a couple of old books, and those were the ones they were currently using now to study.

Toushirou did his best in learning everything. He didn’t want to be useless anymore. He didn’t have any education background, his current condition hindered him in doing a lot of stuff; he couldn’t just waste his recovery time by staying idle.

By the second week of learning the new language, Toushirou was able to memorize two thirds of the alphabets. He could sign the simple greetings and the household objects in rapid succession when he asked Gintoki to test him. He barely did a mistake. Toushirou was proud of himself.

_‘Next!’_

“Oi, oi, slow down, I still haven’t memorized everything yet—”

Toushirou grinned and waited Gintoki as he flipped around the papers to check whether the raven was correct or not. While Toushirou had ample of time to learn on his own, Gintoki was mostly outside for work, earning money for their living expenses as well as Toushirou’s consultation fee. Most of the time when the silver haired boy returned from the site, he was exhausted to the bone, and went to bed not long after dinner and bath.

Gintoki didn’t have to learn it with him—Toushirou had said at first, but the other boy immediately cut him off from that thoughts.

“Of course I need to learn it, who else do you think going to learn this? Baba?” He said that, but Toushirou understood that Gintoki himself wanted to learn, so that he could communicate with Toushirou. That itself made him incredibly happy.

His leg was recovering better, the doctor had said from his last visit that Toushirou could try standing up now. They tested Toushirou standing up and putting weight on the left leg, testing how much pressure it can hold, with Gintoki for him to lean his weight on. He was given crutches and was told that he could start doing daily working exercises tomorrow.

Toushirou was delighted to hear the news. He was on the right track in recovering, he was learning how to communicate better—he was really happy about it all.

It was, until some men from the construction site came bursting into Otose’s bar during the day carrying unconscious Gintoki.

**Author's Note:**

> hurt hijikata is an acquired taste, i believe. don't worry, no sadist gintoki here ;)


End file.
